firsttolast | (no subject)

(no subject)

Bruce isn't happy about the announcement that he's been paired off to Zerxus. It isn't personal; he wouldn't be happy about anyone having his file.

He's just... differently unhappy with this particular pairing. It would always feel like his privacy and autonomy were being stripped away, that he was being made exposed and vulnerable, losing agency and control. This case? It feels like the balance is being thrown and he's losing something else -- a friend, or at least someone who could have been one.

He doesn't seek the other man out when he is informed, but he doesn't avoid, either.

In fact, he parks himself on the deck railing with a cup of coffee and... waits (and, really, broods).

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"I honestly couldn't tell you." For once, the way he smiles is open and bright. This is the man Evandrin met, so long ago; the man Zerxus has a hard time recapturing, most days.

Then it dims, but not entirely. "...I think older kids have their own challenges."

He knows some of this story, now - mostly the end, but not the details or time between. "How old is Elias, now? And what challenge did you run face first into?"

Because yeah, yeah older kids do and he has a whole lot of feelings about his own kids and failures.

"Fourteen." No less loving, but there's a strain in it now. At first, his expression remains largely peaceful.

"It wasn't perfect, objectively. Avalir was an adjustment, juggling being knights and parents wasn't always simple, and when Evandrin became First Knight - I was proud of him, but it meant more responsibility. The sort that always weighs heavily on anyone who's right for the job."

Yes, the words are pointed, but he goes on without making a production of the comparison.

"But I never felt truly overwhelmed. Not with him by my side." Bruce knows where this is going; Zerxus doesn't try to draw it out. "We lost him when Elias was seven, a few months after we saw Cathmoira again." It had been such a good year; he and Nydas were able to introduce Elias to friends and family on the ground, Laerryn and Loquatius finally tied the knot. "That was the first real challenge, and I failed spectacularly."

It's tempting to drag his eyes away, back to the comfort o the stars, but he doesn't.

"I sent Elias back to Cathmoira, to live with Nydas's family - his brother was married, with two kids of their own. And I didn't see him again until the day I died."

The direct and continued eye-contact feels more pointed to him than any comparison. In truth, given the circumstance and for all his intelligence and perception, the comparison flies over his head. It feels like something too... noble to apply to him.

The eye-contact, however, feels like a reminder of what this conversation is supposed to be, and the direction the conversation is going even more like one. ...Callout, reminder, and challenge.

"I've never not failed one of my children. I could tell you exactly what they need and I also know I'm spectacularly ill equipped to have given it to any of them. One turned out well adjusted. One was murdered. After that I decided I was done and the last effectively tracked me down and shoved himself into my life to save me. The rest are all some manner of... failed and showing the effects of it. None of those failures were as relatively benign as moving them to another family, though the nature of the failure is not... wholly different." A pause. "Don't reject your children for their own good - it never works."

Zerxus nods, because he has no reason to argue; he's never met any of Bruce's children, and it's...not hard to see how someone like Bruce would try his damndest for children he loved but still fall short. "You still tried to push them away, then? People who were, at least in part, raised by you?"

No, he hasn't met them; yes, he can only imagine they're just as stubborn.

"First of all, most of them were near adults before I was part of the picture." That doesn't make them less stubborn, though. "Second of all no, not exactly. I just don't, and have never, had the emotional range to be a truly good parent. Especially to angry teenagers."

It is only through sheer force of will that he doesn't argue over what Bruce's actual range is, as opposed to how he's able to process and express it.

"What made you decide to try?"

That's probably very wise. He could put up a good argument about it.

"Because all but one was going down the same path I started on, and the one who wasn't wouldn't leave."

He knows far too many people who are very good at arguing and very bad at emotional intelligence. (Not that he's any sort of expert; he just looks decent in comparison.)

"Vigilantes?" Well. It does make sense for orphans. "You could have been a mentor, and not a father."

"Angry." Different thing. Sort of. "And I could have, but there are and were legal issues with that." Maybe he should have but things like 'medical care' get hairy when they're not actually yours.

...also he might be dodging the part where he loves them.

Edited 2023-08-21 23:28 (UTC)

"Entirely practical reasons, then." His expression couldn't be less sceptical if he tried, and he isn't.

He rolls his eyes.

"Where is the file."

Maybe it'll tell on him and save him what is becoming worse pain than loss of control.

Admission.

"Of course it was purely practical in motivation. That doesn't mean my response after that wasn't emotional."

Edited 2023-08-22 00:03 (UTC)

"In my cabin." He stays where he is, for now; if Bruce really means it, he can head for that level.

"You did it, what, three times? Four?"

Bruce doesn't know what he really means, just that this conversation is hitting 'fight or flight' territory, his fight options are limited and his flight ones are either 'over the railing' or 'straight at the thing that scares him'.

"Five."

Zerxus sees that, and he leans a little closer. It's a precarious position, considering most of his weight is on the rail at this point.

"That's four angry teenagers after the first time you learned your limitations."

Is... Zerxus deliberately trying to push Bruce to break in one direction or another or is he trying to be helpful.

Bruce honestly does not know. He suspects the former, second guesses and over thinks to the later.

Regardless having the other man leaning in, Bruce pushes off the railing and starts walking to Zerxus' cabin.

Where he would, if he didn't have to wait to be let in, be real tempted to silently pick the file up and fling it like a frisbee at Zerxus' neck.

He's certainly pushing, because balancing on this tight rope is only going to get them so far, and he's frankly ready for either possibility. Not the first punch he's taken in the name of furthering communication.

That's not what happens, which is - good, bad or neutral, he isn't really sure. All he can really do at this point is follow Bruce to his cabin - in silence, because he does know you can push too much.

Once he steps forward to unlock it, though, he gestures inside for Bruce to go first, if he wants.

Oh, look. An opportunity to live out his tiny, petty, fantasy.

And, you know, vent some frustration (and anger) when he's basically shut down on a verbal level.

He goes inside, sees the file and picks it up - it is hefty - and throws it back handed - like... some shuriken throws, or a disc, at Zerxus' head.

...Mature? Absolutely not.

Satisfying? yes.

Punches he will take, but paper cuts? No, his hand whips up to catch the file, and also prevent all those papers from spilling all over the floor.

"You can throw something heavier at me later."

Bruce is still tense, kind of half-frozen up, but. "Just. Read. It."

Or he might throw something heavier.

"I will." But right now, he's walking over to the chairs at the fireplace. Much less awkward reading position.

"Something is coming through the balcony in a second, don't attack him."

The room - solid stone, for the most part, furnished plainly but not cheaply - has a very large window overseeing a balcony that apparently still functions on the Barge. At least for the griffon that swoops in a few moments later.

Edited 2023-08-26 19:35 (UTC)

Bruce follows Zerxus far enough to have a good view of the window and balcony outside it, but he does not continue to follow him after that warning and he sure as hell doesn't sit down.

He just waits those moments and when the Griffon comes in.

Then slowly turns his eyes to his warden, and equally slowly lifts his eyebrows.

"really."

Well he's not about to melt into violence anymore, at least.

Zerxus tilts his head up, and his grin is broad, sharp and absolutely shameless.

"Bruce, Tempus. Tempus, Bruce."

Tempus bows his head in acknowledgement before flopping onto the floor behind the chairs, looking nothing less than a big cat.

Bruce absolutely is not sitting down with his back to that thing this fast. Instead he crouches down and tilts his head, in a way that's pretty cat like, too, to study the animal.

"...How sentient is he?"

Zerxus angles his chair towards them, and for once looks like he's utterly enjoying himself.

"He understands everything you're saying."