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[knightbynight]

Bruce isn't happy about the announcement that he's been paired off to Zerxus. It isn't personal; he wouldn't be happy about anyone having his file.

He's just... differently unhappy with this particular pairing. It would always feel like his privacy and autonomy were being stripped away, that he was being made exposed and vulnerable, losing agency and control. This case? It feels like the balance is being thrown and he's losing something else -- a friend, or at least someone who could have been one.

He doesn't seek the other man out when he is informed, but he doesn't avoid, either.

In fact, he parks himself on the deck railing with a cup of coffee and... waits (and, really, broods).

Comments

[withintenfeet]

There's a certain relief in the announcement, because he wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't make a problem of himself for whoever Bruce's warden was, and now - well, at least that's not an issue.

But the rest of it - he spends a decent amount of time in his cabin with Bruce's file closed in front of him, fingers thrumming on the desk beside it. He has a sense for the things he'd fine in there, but this wasn't how he'd imagined learning the details.

On the one hand, these files exist for a reason and Bruce can't afford him being squeamish or selfish about this. On the other, he knows damn well how he'd feel about a friend suddenly having his entire history at their fingertips because someone else decided they should.

Ultimately, he leaves without opening it. When he sees Bruce at the deck he heads right over, resting his arms on the railing and leaning towards the stars.

Once he's able to catch Bruce's gaze, "I have an idea."

[knightbynight]

Bruce isn't fussy about the eye-contact, doesn't avoid it outright though he doesn't immediately acknowledge company either. Just drinks his coffee and gives it a second before he does make the eyecontact.

Then narrows his eyes. "Of course you do. What is it?"

[withintenfeet]

"All I know about your file, at the moment, is that it's thick." There's an edge of wry amusement; he's sure that's no surprise to anyone who's ever met Bruce.

Well, met him properly, at least.

"We have a few options. One, I just read the damn thing and we go from there." It's not his preference, but the point here is offering whatever shreds of control he can. "Two, we read it together, at a pace you choose." Still not what he'd consider the fairest tactic, but closer.

"Three, you stop me whenever you like and ask me a question. Something personal, that I answer as plainly and honestly as I can."

[knightbynight]

It isn't what he expected, but he isn't surprised, either. This man has more ethics than anyone he's ever met, and they aren't (that he has seen) particularly flexible.

He respects that.

He, however, probably would have read the entire thing. Mostly driven by a need to know and having a lot of information handed to him at once. He might have resisted, but... paranoia and the thrill of information.

Not the point.

"You realize I know exactly what you are doing, and why."

That isn't a question.

"I will stop and ask you a question whenever I chose, regardless of how my file gets... consumed. I'm not entirely convinced you're capable of giving an answer that isn't honest." Also not the point. "I don't care if you read the damn thing. We can do it slowly, we can do it quickly. The problem is more with the aftermath of it having been read."

Well.

Now that he's got some control back and doesn't feel like he's definitely lost a friend.

[withintenfeet]

"I never claimed to be subtle." There's not even a trace of sheepishness there; he knows damn well where his skills lay and where they don't.

"I also can't say I've read an entire summary of a person's life before, but I assume how it's read does have an impact on the aftermath." He pauses, then, and his gaze flickers to the stars for a moment. Bruce might recognise it for the grounding tactic that it is.

"You guiding the process, and giving me whatever context you want me to have - that's important to me. I care about your insight a hell of a lot more than I do the Admiral's."

(Should he avoid blatantly insulting his omniscient life-giving superior? Please. He called the Lord of Hell a child to his face.)

[knightbynight]

"You claiming subtlety would strongly conflict with my belief that you're both self-aware and not inclined to lie."

Which is probably a compliment?

Bruce watches Zerxus for another moment, then turns his own attention out to the stars and doesn't look back.

"I don't want to provide context." He wants out. He's not actually refusing to give context, or participate. That is the better option. He just... does not want to engage in the process. That he is going to engage in. And is saying so.

Consider it an admission.

And, ironically, engagement.

[withintenfeet]

Sometimes, you've got to register a complaint before setting it aside and doing what you have to. There's something wry and knowing in his voice when Zerxus, to those unfamiliar stars, says, "Objection noted."

Then, with a huff of laughter, "But don't give me too much credit. I got a crash course in self-awareness the day I died."

With other people he might speak around it, use something like arrived, but this is Bruce, who already knows that Zerxus is dead; this is his inmate, whose trauma is about to be laid bare in black and white.

[knightbynight]

What makes you think he has any trauma to be laid bare.

Oh. Right. His entire personality.

"I don't believe you." Which is - certainly a thing. "But I believe you believe that and learned something about yourself." Is he just being contrary? Well, not just. "How good is your memory?"

[withintenfeet]

"I'm going to assume you know damn well how condescending that sounds and leave it there." He doesn't actually sound offended.

"My memory is...average, I suppose. Standard." ...He has concerns about how long-term it will be going forward - what he'll remember decades or centuries from now, if his mind is intact at all - but dwelling on that here won't do any good. "Why?"

[knightbynight]

"I have total recall."

Speaking of concerns about how good memory is and if minds stay intact crammed with too much information - Bruce has questions about that one on a regular basis, but it's ... not the direct point, anyway.

"Meaning both that I remember everything back to being about six years old, and also am quite confident that your own assessment of your prior level of self-awareness is suspect due to the fact that your memory of who you were is colored by the person you are and a fallible memory."

That's not the direction he meant to go. He was trying to disclose shit in his file before his file did, not be more condescending.

He waves it off, sort of and forces himself to change directions. The desire to derail? Strong.

"My parents were killed in a robbery gone wrong when I was young. I don't think I gained any real insight into my own psychology until I was a teenager."

[withintenfeet]

The way he grimaces - it isn't the shock of someone who's never considered this before. It's the grim sympathy of someone who has seen the damage it can do.

(Patia treated her memories like files in a drawer, arranged and altered for maximum efficiency. Zerxus doesn't say this, because he offered his own life as a counterweight, not hers.)

He does nod, acknowledging the logic even if he isn't sure that he agrees - not in this specific case, at least - but then he follows the redirection. He doesn't waste time with things like I'm sorry or no child should have to go through that; they're self-evident.

"Why was that your priority?" It sounds more like examination than any attempt at healing, perhaps because he's met the adult that teenager grew into.

[knightbynight]

Bruce had been very subtly tensed waiting on the reaction. When he doesn't get grimacing and sympathy, he relaxes that bit of tension enough to take another drink of coffee.

Which is not to say he's relaxed, but it's... close enough.

"Are you asking why being self-aware was my priority?"

It's not clinical, but it's a little bit remote still. He'll answer, but he isn't sure he understands the question. Due to overthinking. There is an alternative here - 'why is this what you chose to tell me', being that alternative.

[withintenfeet]

He considers, for a moment, before nodding. It's not that he doesn't see the value in casting that harsh light on yourself in the wake of trauma; he's both done it himself and guided others, because it meant easier ways to function, and to find ways of preventing it from happening to you again.

That's when clarity strikes. "It's what I'd expect from a soldier, not a child."

[knightbynight]

He wonders if his file has an answer to this question, and if the Admiral's answers will align with his. Not because he is lying, or intends to lie - he is actually making an effort to stay put and answer honestly - but because he has a whole lot of self-doubt, including about his motives.

He also has to find a way to get into this, with words, and not just the minimal answer which will qualify - because he is trying. It is really, really not his strong suit.

"I didn't reflect immediately after it happened," he says, just in case that wasn't clear. "And it wasn't initially the priority. The initial priority," after he stopped being a basket case and lying like a rug to Alfred and Leslie, "was to wipe him off the face of the earth. I researched the case, and him, obsessively. It took longer than it should have to realize that he wasn't a cold blooded murderer. He was the product of poverty, addiction, desperation and crime. He had no intention of killing anyone. He was trying to rob a couple of very wealthy people who could have absorbed the loss of money - then lost control of the situation and in doing so made more victims. Then I made learning myself a priority, because I wasn't going to allow myself to become a a perpetrator of that cycle, but I was still absolutely enraged. I needed a plan to address what I was actually mad about, a better target and lines. You can't draw lines if you don't know what the dangers of not having them are, and you can't do that with your head up your ass."

Also; his turn. Which is mild and going to be, but: "Where did you meet your husband?" It's not... less personal but it is open ended. More because he knows Zerxus considers this a way to make things more fair. He does want to know though.

[withintenfeet]

He's trying to maintain a more or less neutral expression as he listens, but he can't; the more Bruce speaks, the more unbridled admiration warms his features.

There's a lot he wants to dig into here, but they have time for that. Maybe, at some point, Bruce will be able to accept it when Zerxus tells him that's an astounding amount of wisdom and compassion for anyone to have, never mind an orphaned teenager.

For now, softly, "You'd make a hell of a paladin."

Then his gaze turns distant; he wants to answer properly, too, but it takes a moment. It feels like another life, at this point.

"Fourteen years ago, I was still living in Cathmoira." He's mentioned the city he grew up in, before, but only offhand. "Avalir's sister city, on the ground. Every seven years Avalir lands for a month, we call it the Replenishment. That's when I met Evandrin - he wasn't First Knight yet, but he was part of the Spellguard. ...Wizard knights, basically."

His lips quirk into a rueful, tender little smile. "I knew someone was coming to speak with me. I was so ready to be stubborn and unimpressed. Then - I open my door, and I see the most beautiful man in the world, with a baby on his hip."

[knightbynight]

Bruce gives him a look for both the expression shit and quiet remark about being a good paladin. It's the extent of his response though, and the look is exasperated rather than glowering.

But then his expression shifts right into being truly interested, curious and engaged. That expression is even really open - he's known Zerxus long enough for that now.

"I didn't realize he already had your son. How old was he then? How long had he had them? How long did it take you to get from meeting to marriage?" Deflection? Maybe, but only accidentally.

[withintenfeet]

The first reaction is about what he expected, but the second -

Zerxus knows the difference between genuine interest and convenient redirection. As he sinks into the story, years of bitter loneliness seem to fall away, if only for now.

"Elias was barely two months old, and everyone was too busy to watch him - everyone he trusted enough, anyway." Evandrin was always far more sociable than him, but that particular circle was still small. "Obviously I invited them in, and we started talking. First about my magic, but once we started comparing our lives as knights - we went on for at least an hour. Then Elias started crying, and someone needed to hold him while Evandrin searched for his bottle - "

His expression always turns both pained and loving when he talks about their son, but now it reflects that stunned, tender awe. "I'd held babies before, but this was..." Zerxus shakes his head; all these years later and he still doesn't really have the words. "I...may have invited him to stay at my house for the month. And when he left, I went with him. A few months after that we were married."

[knightbynight]

"I can't imagine handling an actual infant. Not long and certainly not well."

He actually laughs, just a little, at the very end of that story. "So which one of them did you fall in love with first?"

It sounds pretty equal, but for just a second at least part of his brain has forgotten what they're doing here. And he's somewhat charmed by the change he's seeing.

...and the part of his brain that hasn't forgotten is going to just continue ask questions as they occur. Because interest and More Complicated Reasons.

[withintenfeet]

"I honestly couldn't tell you." For once, the way he smiles is open and bright. This is the man Evandrin met, so long ago; the man Zerxus has a hard time recapturing, most days.

Then it dims, but not entirely. "...I think older kids have their own challenges."

[knightbynight]

He knows some of this story, now - mostly the end, but not the details or time between. "How old is Elias, now? And what challenge did you run face first into?"

Because yeah, yeah older kids do and he has a whole lot of feelings about his own kids and failures.

[withintenfeet]

"Fourteen." No less loving, but there's a strain in it now. At first, his expression remains largely peaceful.

"It wasn't perfect, objectively. Avalir was an adjustment, juggling being knights and parents wasn't always simple, and when Evandrin became First Knight - I was proud of him, but it meant more responsibility. The sort that always weighs heavily on anyone who's right for the job."

Yes, the words are pointed, but he goes on without making a production of the comparison.

"But I never felt truly overwhelmed. Not with him by my side." Bruce knows where this is going; Zerxus doesn't try to draw it out. "We lost him when Elias was seven, a few months after we saw Cathmoira again." It had been such a good year; he and Nydas were able to introduce Elias to friends and family on the ground, Laerryn and Loquatius finally tied the knot. "That was the first real challenge, and I failed spectacularly."

It's tempting to drag his eyes away, back to the comfort o the stars, but he doesn't.

"I sent Elias back to Cathmoira, to live with Nydas's family - his brother was married, with two kids of their own. And I didn't see him again until the day I died."

[knightbynight]

The direct and continued eye-contact feels more pointed to him than any comparison. In truth, given the circumstance and for all his intelligence and perception, the comparison flies over his head. It feels like something too... noble to apply to him.

The eye-contact, however, feels like a reminder of what this conversation is supposed to be, and the direction the conversation is going even more like one. ...Callout, reminder, and challenge.

"I've never not failed one of my children. I could tell you exactly what they need and I also know I'm spectacularly ill equipped to have given it to any of them. One turned out well adjusted. One was murdered. After that I decided I was done and the last effectively tracked me down and shoved himself into my life to save me. The rest are all some manner of... failed and showing the effects of it. None of those failures were as relatively benign as moving them to another family, though the nature of the failure is not... wholly different." A pause. "Don't reject your children for their own good - it never works."

[withintenfeet]

Zerxus nods, because he has no reason to argue; he's never met any of Bruce's children, and it's...not hard to see how someone like Bruce would try his damndest for children he loved but still fall short. "You still tried to push them away, then? People who were, at least in part, raised by you?"

No, he hasn't met them; yes, he can only imagine they're just as stubborn.

[knightbynight]

"First of all, most of them were near adults before I was part of the picture." That doesn't make them less stubborn, though. "Second of all no, not exactly. I just don't, and have never, had the emotional range to be a truly good parent. Especially to angry teenagers."

[withintenfeet]

It is only through sheer force of will that he doesn't argue over what Bruce's actual range is, as opposed to how he's able to process and express it.

"What made you decide to try?"