knightbynight: (a18)
[personal profile] knightbynight posting in [community profile] firsttolast
Bruce isn't happy about the announcement that he's been paired off to Zerxus. It isn't personal; he wouldn't be happy about anyone having his file.

He's just... differently unhappy with this particular pairing. It would always feel like his privacy and autonomy were being stripped away, that he was being made exposed and vulnerable, losing agency and control. This case? It feels like the balance is being thrown and he's losing something else -- a friend, or at least someone who could have been one.

He doesn't seek the other man out when he is informed, but he doesn't avoid, either.

In fact, he parks himself on the deck railing with a cup of coffee and... waits (and, really, broods).

Date: 2023-08-18 03:39 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
There's a certain relief in the announcement, because he wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't make a problem of himself for whoever Bruce's warden was, and now - well, at least that's not an issue.

But the rest of it - he spends a decent amount of time in his cabin with Bruce's file closed in front of him, fingers thrumming on the desk beside it. He has a sense for the things he'd fine in there, but this wasn't how he'd imagined learning the details.

On the one hand, these files exist for a reason and Bruce can't afford him being squeamish or selfish about this. On the other, he knows damn well how he'd feel about a friend suddenly having his entire history at their fingertips because someone else decided they should.

Ultimately, he leaves without opening it. When he sees Bruce at the deck he heads right over, resting his arms on the railing and leaning towards the stars.

Once he's able to catch Bruce's gaze, "I have an idea."

Date: 2023-08-18 03:47 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Determined)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
"All I know about your file, at the moment, is that it's thick." There's an edge of wry amusement; he's sure that's no surprise to anyone who's ever met Bruce.

Well, met him properly, at least.

"We have a few options. One, I just read the damn thing and we go from there." It's not his preference, but the point here is offering whatever shreds of control he can. "Two, we read it together, at a pace you choose." Still not what he'd consider the fairest tactic, but closer.

"Three, you stop me whenever you like and ask me a question. Something personal, that I answer as plainly and honestly as I can."

Date: 2023-08-18 04:09 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Determined)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
"I never claimed to be subtle." There's not even a trace of sheepishness there; he knows damn well where his skills lay and where they don't.

"I also can't say I've read an entire summary of a person's life before, but I assume how it's read does have an impact on the aftermath." He pauses, then, and his gaze flickers to the stars for a moment. Bruce might recognise it for the grounding tactic that it is.

"You guiding the process, and giving me whatever context you want me to have - that's important to me. I care about your insight a hell of a lot more than I do the Admiral's."

(Should he avoid blatantly insulting his omniscient life-giving superior? Please. He called the Lord of Hell a child to his face.)

Date: 2023-08-18 04:31 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
Sometimes, you've got to register a complaint before setting it aside and doing what you have to. There's something wry and knowing in his voice when Zerxus, to those unfamiliar stars, says, "Objection noted."

Then, with a huff of laughter, "But don't give me too much credit. I got a crash course in self-awareness the day I died."

With other people he might speak around it, use something like arrived, but this is Bruce, who already knows that Zerxus is dead; this is his inmate, whose trauma is about to be laid bare in black and white.

Date: 2023-08-18 04:46 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Seriously?)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
"I'm going to assume you know damn well how condescending that sounds and leave it there." He doesn't actually sound offended.

"My memory is...average, I suppose. Standard." ...He has concerns about how long-term it will be going forward - what he'll remember decades or centuries from now, if his mind is intact at all - but dwelling on that here won't do any good. "Why?"

Date: 2023-08-18 05:37 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
The way he grimaces - it isn't the shock of someone who's never considered this before. It's the grim sympathy of someone who has seen the damage it can do.

(Patia treated her memories like files in a drawer, arranged and altered for maximum efficiency. Zerxus doesn't say this, because he offered his own life as a counterweight, not hers.)

He does nod, acknowledging the logic even if he isn't sure that he agrees - not in this specific case, at least - but then he follows the redirection. He doesn't waste time with things like I'm sorry or no child should have to go through that; they're self-evident.

"Why was that your priority?" It sounds more like examination than any attempt at healing, perhaps because he's met the adult that teenager grew into.

Date: 2023-08-18 06:02 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Contemplative)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
He considers, for a moment, before nodding. It's not that he doesn't see the value in casting that harsh light on yourself in the wake of trauma; he's both done it himself and guided others, because it meant easier ways to function, and to find ways of preventing it from happening to you again.

That's when clarity strikes. "It's what I'd expect from a soldier, not a child."

Date: 2023-08-19 04:20 am (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Contemplative)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
He's trying to maintain a more or less neutral expression as he listens, but he can't; the more Bruce speaks, the more unbridled admiration warms his features.

There's a lot he wants to dig into here, but they have time for that. Maybe, at some point, Bruce will be able to accept it when Zerxus tells him that's an astounding amount of wisdom and compassion for anyone to have, never mind an orphaned teenager.

For now, softly, "You'd make a hell of a paladin."

Then his gaze turns distant; he wants to answer properly, too, but it takes a moment. It feels like another life, at this point.

"Fourteen years ago, I was still living in Cathmoira." He's mentioned the city he grew up in, before, but only offhand. "Avalir's sister city, on the ground. Every seven years Avalir lands for a month, we call it the Replenishment. That's when I met Evandrin - he wasn't First Knight yet, but he was part of the Spellguard. ...Wizard knights, basically."

His lips quirk into a rueful, tender little smile. "I knew someone was coming to speak with me. I was so ready to be stubborn and unimpressed. Then - I open my door, and I see the most beautiful man in the world, with a baby on his hip."

Date: 2023-08-19 11:39 pm (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
The first reaction is about what he expected, but the second -

Zerxus knows the difference between genuine interest and convenient redirection. As he sinks into the story, years of bitter loneliness seem to fall away, if only for now.

"Elias was barely two months old, and everyone was too busy to watch him - everyone he trusted enough, anyway." Evandrin was always far more sociable than him, but that particular circle was still small. "Obviously I invited them in, and we started talking. First about my magic, but once we started comparing our lives as knights - we went on for at least an hour. Then Elias started crying, and someone needed to hold him while Evandrin searched for his bottle - "

His expression always turns both pained and loving when he talks about their son, but now it reflects that stunned, tender awe. "I'd held babies before, but this was..." Zerxus shakes his head; all these years later and he still doesn't really have the words. "I...may have invited him to stay at my house for the month. And when he left, I went with him. A few months after that we were married."

Date: 2023-08-20 09:34 pm (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
"I honestly couldn't tell you." For once, the way he smiles is open and bright. This is the man Evandrin met, so long ago; the man Zerxus has a hard time recapturing, most days.

Then it dims, but not entirely. "...I think older kids have their own challenges."

Date: 2023-08-21 10:34 pm (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
"Fourteen." No less loving, but there's a strain in it now. At first, his expression remains largely peaceful.

"It wasn't perfect, objectively. Avalir was an adjustment, juggling being knights and parents wasn't always simple, and when Evandrin became First Knight - I was proud of him, but it meant more responsibility. The sort that always weighs heavily on anyone who's right for the job."

Yes, the words are pointed, but he goes on without making a production of the comparison.

"But I never felt truly overwhelmed. Not with him by my side." Bruce knows where this is going; Zerxus doesn't try to draw it out. "We lost him when Elias was seven, a few months after we saw Cathmoira again." It had been such a good year; he and Nydas were able to introduce Elias to friends and family on the ground, Laerryn and Loquatius finally tied the knot. "That was the first real challenge, and I failed spectacularly."

It's tempting to drag his eyes away, back to the comfort o the stars, but he doesn't.

"I sent Elias back to Cathmoira, to live with Nydas's family - his brother was married, with two kids of their own. And I didn't see him again until the day I died."

Date: 2023-08-21 11:01 pm (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
Zerxus nods, because he has no reason to argue; he's never met any of Bruce's children, and it's...not hard to see how someone like Bruce would try his damndest for children he loved but still fall short. "You still tried to push them away, then? People who were, at least in part, raised by you?"

No, he hasn't met them; yes, he can only imagine they're just as stubborn.

Date: 2023-08-21 11:06 pm (UTC)
withintenfeet: (Default)
From: [personal profile] withintenfeet
It is only through sheer force of will that he doesn't argue over what Bruce's actual range is, as opposed to how he's able to process and express it.

"What made you decide to try?"

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